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"Rome wasn't built in a day, but several Wet Shoelaces CDs were..."  - Confucius


If Gods Were Stoned


Suite: Sun Peach Girl's Winter - Seven 17 Ninety Nine

lyrics excerpted from : 'When I Was Nothing Standing In Time'

by E. Aubrey Andrews


Part One:  Broken Children's Voices

Under Sordid Sweet Sensation's Eternity

Life In Men Moans Repulsive Cyclones


Purple Essential Incubate Worship


Purple Essential Incubate Worship

Men manipulate knife languages of lost hope

They speak in panting weak tongues


Red Dust Expression

Rain Life Stares Down Gutters


Broken Children's Voices

Rain Life Stares Down Gutters


Broken Children's Voices


Part Two: Casualty Drones

My Life Falls Alone In Casualty Drones

Some want the sea

While others deceive what use to be

My Life Falls Alone In Casualty Drones


This Night Speaks of Sidewalks Visually Dying

Life Is Vacant

There Isn't Room Nowhere In This Desert of Hope

where I swim alone


this myst world u said you once knew


Part Three: Nothing Is Ever Real

Take most of what you hear spoken in shadows of weak tongues

Always be prepared to forget

Just know

Nothing Is Ever Real

Be Frantic When You Approach Lost Lakes Last Drive Thru


Winter's Eternity

Be Aware This Year's Symphony of Roses

Rusting In Quiet Mysts


The Last Storm Chain


Your Echoes of Life Will Ever Be Heard

Take most of what you hear spoken in shadows of weak tongues

Always be prepared to forget

Just know

Nothing Is Ever Real


Old Mr. Gizzard (The Yo-Ho Song)

Old Mr. Gizzard lived in a lump of wax

He never went to bed without a bowl of Sugar Smacks

I tried to sell him fiction but he only wants the facts

When he rubs his body down with moldy turtle wax


Old Mr. Gizzard lived in a house of cards

And then one merry day it simply shattered into shards

He gathered up the pieces and spread them through three of his neighbors' yards

And to this day his deeds are praised by vagabonds and bards


Old Mr. Gizzard lived in a stinky shoe

He had so many kids that he did not know what to do

So he shipped a few to Uncle Owen and to Aunt Beru

They shipped them back with a pound of crack and a case of airplane glue


Old Mr. Gizzard lived in a beat-up van

Originally it was yellow but he painted it tan

The city came along one day and covered it with sand

And no one ever heard from Mr. Gizzard again



Normalize, normalize...

You must normalize

Or we will eat your fries

Just look into my eyes (do you have normal eyes?)

Under grey skies (regular fries, super size)

Before you run out of supplies

You'll get a big surprise (big large fries, normalize)

Don't you like being normalized?

Oh I like being normalized!


Because I Want It For My Head

lyrics by E Aubrey Andrews

and some tech writer (Evan?)


June 3rd was just a flirtation

July 1st is the assault of city romance

Down there is a hundred and sixty miles away


I just barely touched the edges of all that has inspired this very discordant life I have undergone/known/experienced with endless departures of curiosity/awe

To do justice someday soon might just do an independent issue , a review, a comprehensive read on the skeletal structures of things gathered that I have assembled into E Aubrey Andrews and the other chameleon shapes of individuality/strangeness taking confessions of expression... the issue is time consuming categorization... conceivably months away in structure/development... definitely a road I must go back to someday... some day?!


Of nothing, of everything intangible (able)


I know this is abstract, but I seem to always be captured by the sensuality of words.  It's such a subtle seduction to my senses.  Words give me a thousand roads of questions to wander lost upon... it's an odd love, a romance, a caress, a love-affair kiss that never leaves my memory life alone


Coastal Innocence

As uncertain, unbalanced, unplanned as everything is

Existence always is

A Friday night of wild streets that take me to delirious ecstasies of



I'm multi-converged

I'm living with an illegal heart that cheats on me!

You don't know what it's like to be hurt!


You don't hold pain against escape!

You don't know!

You don't know tomorrow like I do


Rediscovered Death Journeys of Apocalypse Men

(The compilation tape)

For whatever reason

Destiny has brought me to this dark room

Of indecent, desperate thoughts

Again, 922 pray

Has Saigon significance?

Connected to unclear junkielands

My disoriented mind-life

I feel that I've been freed from the cornered beast

That contrived the damned layers liaisons of slave soul ire


Blood-loving eternity

It's starting to rain

I fall into eternity disgraced

I bow, genuflect to the vulturistic, insane days

Of terminal leaving hearts

Last thoughts of youth:

There is nowhere else to move to save my soul

From this cold midnight

I'm standing alone

Staring down

Wandering to places stoned-out

Long gone

I'm crippled before caring

Dead beyond feeling

Don't worry

Split minds saved the light 17 insane ways

One fifteen on a ten-five

Government man leaving wind for the eternity heart

It's my life

If Gods Were Stoned


This symbol indicates explanations about extremely dangerous matters

If users ignore this symbol and handle the device the WRONG WAY

Serious injury or DEATH could result

Extreme temperature

Excessive dust

And high humidity

Do not exert undue pressure on The Unit

Take care not to drop The Unit


Suite:  When Jesus Met Santa

Mvmt I:  "All the Halogen Lights in the World"


Santa:  OK, roll callÖ  Dasher, Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen, Cupid,

Comet, Dancer, no Rudolph, whereís Rudolph??  Itís only zero visibility

again, whoís going to guide my sleigh?


Jesus:  I can light your way.


Santa:  Jesus!


Jesus:   Yes?


Santa:  What the hell are you doing here?


Jesus:  I have come to show you the way.


Santa:  Oh really.  Believe me Jesus, Iíve been doing this for a quite awhile

now, I know the most efficient routes all over the globe. 


Jesus:  Yes, but you seem to be lost without Rudolph.


Santa:  Oh, Rudolph shmoodolf.  Iíll just look in my bag here for a new

halogen flood light, Iím sure someone asked for one of those this year.


Jesus:  Maybe, but my light is brighter than all the halogen lights in the



Santa:  Good for you.  Now if you donít mind, I gotta split, a lot of people

are counting on me to deliver the ďgoodiesĒ!  You know, itís Christmas! 

Ever hear of that?


Jesus:  Uh, yeah.  Thatís my birthday.


Santa:  Really?  Well, have a good one.  So how old are you, anyway? 


Jesus: 2000, give or take.


Santa:  2000!  You donít look a day over 300!  Great.  Thanks for wasting my

time buddy, but I really do have to go now.


Jesus:  Actually, you donít have to go anywhere. 


Santa:  Hey, get out of my way!


Mvmt II:  Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve

I never went to church

Christmas Eve

He's such a stupid jerk

Christmas Eve


Christmas Eve

I walked around naked

Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve


Christmas Eve

I went into a hole

Christmas Eve


Christmas Eve

I froze it in the hose

Christmas Eve


Christmas Eve

I'd rather watch my nose

Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve


Christmas Eve

It wasn't very cold

Christmas Eve

I want your hand to hold

Christmas Eve


Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve

Have you any more?

Christmas Eve

Are you in the door?

Christmas Eve, Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve


Mvmt III:  "Get Your Own Holiday"

Jesus:  I have come to take Christmas back from you.


Santa:  Oh yeah?  And just where do you think youíre taking it?


Jesus:  Away from your mythical world of greed and selfishness.


Santa:  Mythical?  What do you mean, mythical?


Jesus:  I mean that you donít exist, youíre just an excuse to sell products

to consumers.


Santa:  Oh, I donít exist!  Like you doÖ


Jesus:  I bet you more people know me than they know you.


Santa:  Look, I donít care who knows about you or not, just get your own

holiday and get out of my way!


Mvmt IV:  Ho Ho Hosanna

Ho Ho Hosanna (repeat until blue)


Mvmt V: "A New Religion"

 Jesus:  I am the son of God!


Santa:  Good for you. What would you like for Christmas, a new religion? Ho

ho hoÖ


Jesus:  I already have one, but you have destroyed its integrity!


Santa:  How???


Jesus:  By taking the celebration of my birth and transforming it into a

commercialized free-for-all so card companies and toymakers can make lots of money.


Santa:  Hey, youíre talking about my livelihood, man.


Jesus:  Livelihood!!??  Itís an abomination!


Santa:  But without my Coca Cola endorsement, how am I supposed to bring smiles to children all over the world once a year?


Jesus:  Once a year??  My love for the world is forever lastingÖ


Santa:  Oh yeah?  Maybe we should team up then.  Iíll take Christmas Day, and

you can have the rest of the year to do whatever it is you do.


Jesus:  But Christmas is my birthday!


Santa:  Oh, gimme a break.  You probably don't even remember when your real

birthday is.


Mvmt VI: Time To Lick The Donkey

It's time to lick the donkey!

I licked the donkey...

Lick the donkey!


Mvmt VII:  "A Fantastic Place to Hang Your Robe and Sandals"

Jesus:  Everybody knows my birthday is December 25th.


Santa:  Everybody with an education knows that the only reason why Christians

celebrate your birth in late December is to coincide with winter solstice and

all of the pagan myths about the rebirth of the sun.  In a way, you're the

biggest pagan myth going.


Jesus:  I'm the biggest pagan myth going?!  At least I'm not some fat elf who

lives at the north pole, of all Me-forsaken places.


Santa:  And the middle east is a fantastic place to hang your robe and



Jesus:  Hey, it used to be a nice neighborhood.


Santa:  Until you arrived.


Jesus:  Hey, you can't blame that all on me.


Santa:  True.  There're a lot of deities stirring up trouble there.  I'm

always afraid to go down chimneys there.  A lot of fundies with



Jesus:  Wait a minute.  You do realize that I am the only god.


Santa:  Yeah, you and Yahweh and Allah and a bout a zillion others.  You

know, the polytheistic gods really look down on you guys as arrogant assholes

for that crap.  Kali's been threatening to re-crucify you for a couple of

centuries now over that bullshit.


Jesus:  You know Kali?


Santa:  What can I say, I got a thing for chicks with big tongues.  Look, do

you think you're the only deity who gives me shit over what I do?  Just the

other day Buddha was up my ass for putting too much emphasis on materialism

or some such bullshit...


Jesus:  That's not bullshit.


Santa:  ...and even Allah got on me about all of the Christmas ham, like

that's my fault.


Mvmt VIII:  Christmas Lilith



Mvmt IX:  "It's A PR Thing, You Know"

Jesus:  Okay, so there are other deities.  It's a PR thing, you know.  But

you must realize that almost every religion has a celebration this time of

year.  It's psychologically very important for people to mark the returning

of the light every year as the earth passes the winter solstice and days

begin to get longer and nights begin to get shorter.


Santa:  It's also important for people to fork over large sums of money to

big business every year.  Christmas is the holiday that puts the books in

black.  Without you, people could worship another deity.  Without me, the

gears of capitalism would seize.


Jesus:  And that would be a bad thing?


Santa:  What are you, a You-damned commie?


Jesus:  Have you read the sermon on the mount?


Santa:  Like I have time to read anything.  All year, all I read is lists,

from every snot-nosed little brat on the planet, naughty, nice or

indifferent.  Buy this!  Buy that!  Buy it all for your fucking brat!


Jesus:  A bit burned out, aren't you?


Santa:  I just need a drink.


Jesus:  Hey, I got an idea.  We should team up.  I can come with you and

leave bibles in all the children's stockings.  In return, I could turn all

the milk and cookies the children leave out for you into wine and fishes...


Santa:  And when I pass out, there goes Christmas.  All the boys and girls

will be in some fucking church, learning about the torment of hell that comes

with touching themselves.  You know what?  Go to hell,  Jesus.


Jesus:  Been there, done that.


Suite:  The Great Macaroni Debacle

Lyrics by Wet Shoelaces and Funkmaster J


Mvmt I:  The Gods Of Kraft

The Great Macaroni Debacle

It's a macaroni explosion!

It's a cheesiferous dusting

Sent down like manna

From the Gods of Kraft!


Mvmt II:  Night of the Psychedelic Cheese Sauce



Mvmt III:  I Am The Wafer


I am a wafer

Eat me; I taste good


Yes really

You must eat me

For I am a wafer

And I taste good

It's wafer time!

Break it down Mr. Wafer

Go wafer, go wafer

Oh yeah, oh yeah

Go wafer, go wafer


And thus...


Mvmt IV:  Standing Alone in a Vast, Powdery Desert




Mvmt V:  Hullabaloo In Timbuktu


I need my spatula


Let's have a hullabaloo in Timbuktu

With a spatula

And some macaroni



Ain't Nothin' South Of Here But Dh'a'khuan Shelter (Time To Travel Through Time's Despair)

(lyrics by E Aubrey Andrews)

I keep getting left behind on the 1109

Want to question


Just don't


Midnight's out of my control

Just bit into the last taste

Of tomorrow nine

She's touched

Maybe a bit perverted

Because she's gone

I'm excused because I just don't know how to

Ease the tragic reins off my mind

Begging for attrition's spare change

Gotta get out of here

Can't keep suffering what you were when you was there

Spelling chances for communication

Slit my time down

Just to see that you're just as lost bleeding

Just needing time to travel

Through time's despair




Talkin' 'bout Eskimos!


Where did they go?



Eskimos!  Eskimos!

Where do they go?

Ask him?  No!



I don't know

But I been told

Eskimo pussy

Is mighty cold


Where did they go?




Really ice cold

Igloo holes swallowed up the Eskimo

All the way home



We're not done with the Eskimos!

Long way to go

To find an Eskimo



Ask him?  No!




Vaseline and Lollipops

Vaseline and lollipops

When the pressure starts to drop

Here's some fun that never stops

Vaseline and lollipops


Lollipops and vaseline

Although it sounds a bit obscene

Dip 'em in and lick 'em clean!

Lollipops and vaseline


Partially Hydrogenated Republicans

What about macadamia?

Entonces esta bien, no?


Porque you no habla ingles, senor?




Carbonated Fructose Water

Diabolos in Musica

Partially Hydrogenated Republicans

OK Cupboard

Pompous Bouffant?

Explicit lyrics


Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

I left my cigarettes outside

Scratching post





Ice warrior!

That didn't have circu in it!


Moby Diss

Who you tryin' to diss?


Next stop, Eliza Street

What the hell does that mean?

Death trip

Green mountain





Filter exodus


You got reverb on my peanut butter

You got peanut butter in my reverb!

Oh wait, that was jelly

5 and a half!

6 and a half!

7 and a half!

Anything over a mouthful is wasted!

Perpetual circular logic

Where are...

Save us from the fish?

Why are there lions in my underwear?

You think Paul has orange pubic hair?



National Security Level has been updated to Chartreuse