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"Rome wasn't built in a day, but several Wet Shoelaces CDs were..."  - Confucius

 

Doggy Bag Buffet

On this page you will find the lyrics to “Fear Bear”, which are by Kreg Thornley.  You will not find the lyrics to “Scarnival”, which are by some historian.  You will not find the lyrics to “Dosin’ the Fruit Punch at the Liars’ Convention” either, because one of the protagonists is currently in jail (as of this writing 2010).  But what you WILL find is all the lyrics to part four of Doggy Bag Buffet, “Music from an Unfinished Operetta”, plus you also get all the other lyrics too.  It’s what the guys with the puffy sleeves used to call a “libretto”.  Who knows, we may finish it someday, but in the meantime, this is the only way to get the whole story.  (We know the masses are just clamoring.)

 

FEAR BEAR (Thornley)

 

I don’t look like a bear but I used to

My head is attached to nothing

 

I am Fear Bear

Caught in thin air

Naked, no hair

Lost it somewhere

Naked

 

We are a conquered people, Fear Bear

Helplessly disconnected from our past

Helplessly disconnected

 

Now comes Fear Bear the Petitioner

Claiming miscarriage of justice

 

 

 

When Jesus Met Odysseus: A Very Apocryphal Gospel According To Wet Shoelaces

(script and song lyrics by Steve Gregory, except as indicated)

 

Cast

Jesus A great philosopher and teacher who originally lived in the 1st century AD

Odysseus A hero of the Trojan War.

God the Father  The "Father" part of the Christian trinity.  Also known as YHWH and Jehovah.  We would suggest he's also called Allah, but we wouldn't want any fatwas issued for our death.

Zeus  King of the Greek Pantheon.

Dionysus  The Divine Alcoholic.

Poseidon  A jealous sea deity.

Polyphemus  His one-eyed son.

Calypso  A rather self-absorbed nymph.

Hermes  A helpful messenger god.

Circe  A perfectly enchanting enchantress.

Scylla A sea monster.

Hyperion  A solar deity with a thing about his cattle.

Ino  A helpful sea goddess.

Arete  Queen of the Phaeacians.

Alcinous  King of the Paeacians.

 

 

Scene One

 

Jesus:  But I don't want to be their god anymore!

 

God the Father:  But my son, we've been planning the Second Coming for two millenia.  I've got a lot invested in this, too.

 

Jesus:  You've still got the Jews.  At least they're not total nutbags.  Look at my people:  they fight wars in my name, they pervert my teachings to justify their petty bigotries... a lot of them think when I come back I'm just going to toss 'em all into Hell.  As if I never said a word about forgiveness!

 

God the Father:  Well, what are you going to do?  You're a god.  It's not like you could just retire to Mount Olympus or something.

 

Jesus:  Well, why not?

 

God the Father:  Well, for one thing, nobody really believes in the Greek Pantheon anymore.  Sure, there's a  few remnant paleopagans here and there, but even the neopagans see the old gods more as archetypes.  You would probably find Olympus to be nothing more than a shimmering mirage here in the early 21st century.  The M-fields just aren't there anymore.

 

Jesus:  You know just as well as I do that just because I made the mistake of incarnating as human once, that doesn't mean I'm stuck in their silly notions of time.  I'm as divine as you are, and I can move through time just as easily as you can.

 

God the Father:  So you're going to go back in time, to BC, before yourself?

 

Jesus:  Well, it's an idea.  Anything's better than going back down there, and having my teachings even further twisted by their ridiculous political agendas.

 

God the Father:  Well, my son, take heed:  if you start messing around with Zeus, you're going to get more than you bargained for.  I know him, and he's a tricky bastard.

 

Jesus:  Look, the last time I ventured out of heaven I got nailed to a cross.  How much worse could it get?

 

 

Song: "Off To Join The Greeks"

 

Muses, muses, come and sing to me!

Pheobus Apollo, come and hear our plea:

Sing to us about the days of dryads in the trees

And goddesses arising from the waves of wine-dark seas!

 

Angels, angels, gather unto me!

Prepare to fill the heavens with your holy harmony

Make your sound surround the earth and echo in the air

The Messiah said goodbye-a so lets offer up a prayer!

 

Father please forgive him

For he knows not what he speaks

Jesus Christ is off to join the Greeks

(yes he is)

I said Jesus Christ is off to join the Greeks!

 

 

Scene Two

 

Zeus:  I don't know, Jesus, we've got a lot of gods here already.  I'm not sure we really need another one.   I mean, do you have any special powers?

 

Jesus:  Sure, Zeus, lots of 'em!  I can even turn water into wine.

 

Dionysus:  He's in!

 

Zeus:  Settle down Dionysus, and let me handle this!  Look Jesus, we've got a good thing going here.  A lot of gods want to get in.  Just last week Kali...

 

Jesus:  You know Kali?

 

Zeus:  Ummm....  I've got this thing for big tongues.

 

Jesus:  What is it with that fetish?

 

Zeus:  What?

 

Jesus:  Oh, nothing.   It just reminds me of a conversation I had a few years ago.

 

Zeus:  Well, whatever.  The important thing is, we're a very exclusive pantheon.  If you want to join, you're going to have to pass a special test.

 

Jesus:  What kind of test?

 

Zeus:  Well, you see, there's this guy named Odysseus...

 

 

Song:  "When Jesus Met Odysseus"

 

Now this might strike you blasphemous

But the blinding of Polyphemus

Is not what made Poseidon cuss

But jealousy of Jes-ius!

 

When Jesus met Odysse-us

Poseidon fell to piece-ius

His envy wouldn't cease-ius

Way back in ancient Greece-ius!

 

This may not be

Quite the way you learned it

In your classic-lit class

We can admit that

 

And this may not be

Quite the way you learned it

Back in Sunday school

Well, at least as a rule

 

But believe us

Odysse-us

Met Jes-ius

And it happened thus!

 

 

Scene Three

 

Jesus:  I'm sorry Calypso, but Zeus says you've gotta let him go.

 

Calypso:  You bastard!  You fucking gods are all the same.  Just sick with jealousy even thinking about a goddess getting off with a mortal man!  It was the same shit when Dawn fell in love with Orion.  That bitch Artemis didn't waste any time getting her chaste little tushy out of that golden throne of hers and capping his ass!

 

Jesus:  I'm very sorry.  But you can see he's not happy here.

 

Calypso:  Fine!  I rescue the guy from death!  I offer him immortality!  And all he can do is pine away for some bitch of a wife who he's just certain has been completely faithful to him in his absence.  Makes me sick!  Well, he can go, but don't expect me to supply a ship.  He can build his own damn ship.

 

Jesus:  I was a carpenter once, or will be, the timeline here is a little strange, but the important thing is: I can help Odysseus build the ship.

 

Calypso:  Well, I've given him seven loaves of bread and a few fish to get through the week, but don't expect me to supply any more.  Stock the ship yourselves.

 

Jesus:  Seven loaves and a few fish should be plenty.  I've got a few divine tricks up my sleeve.

 

Calypso:  (sarcastically)  Yeah, and do you have any oceangoing experience?

 

Jesus:  Well, I've done some fishing.  Actually, the fish is my symbol in some parts of the timeline.

 

Calypso:  (snickering)  Poseidon will be thrilled to hear about that!

 

Jesus:  Uh, oh.  I don't want trouble.  Not when we're about to hit the high seas.  You wouldn't tell him, would you?

 

Calypso:  Now why would I do a thing like that?

 

 

Song:  "Tell Poseidon"

 

(Calypso:)

So his symbol is a fish

And if he gets his wish

He'll soon be taking to the high seas

 

Leaving me alone

Without a lover of my own

Just the echo of my crying on the sea breeze

 

But they won't get very far

Out there steering by the stars

When Poseidon gets the wind of his new rival!

 

Oh Poseidon my dear

I pray now that you hear

And get yourself prepared for my arrival

 

And I'll bring Jesus right down off

That high donkey he's ridin'

When I finally arrive to tell Poseidon

 

I don't know who he thinks he is

But he best go do some hidin'

When I finally arrive to tell Poseidon

 

Tell Poseidon

Tell Poseidon

I'm gonna tell Poseidon!

 

 

Scene Four

 

Poseidon:  Ah, Calypso! (band plays calypso groove)  Stop!  Stop!  (calypso music stops)  That's not what I meant and you know it!  I'm sorry, dear.

 

Calypso:  That's okay, I get that all the time.  All the pit conductors around here think they're Frank Zappa.  My lord, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.  Take a look at this.

 

Poseidon:  Well, it looks like a crude drawing of a fish.  What's that word on it?

 

Calypso:  Well, it's not just a word, my lord.  It's a name.  Of a god.  A new god.

 

Poseidon:  WHAT!?

 

 

Song: "Mr. Fishy Fish" (Bailey/Gregory)

 

(Poseidon:)

I am Poseidon, lord of the sea

All the little fishies owe fealty to me

The way it's always been , the way it should be

King of the ocean for all eternity!

 

Who is this new god, what does he want?

Come here, Calypso, and tell me up front

I'm the earth-shaker!  And I shall be blunt:

The raging sea can be so violent!

 

And I see Mr. Fishy Fishy Fish

Walk the water, splishy, splishy, splish

My son Polyphemus, fulfull my wishy-wish:

Go and catch Mr. Fishy Fishy Fish!

 

(Polyphemus:)

I open my eye Father, what do I see?

It looks like Mr. Fishy Fish is coming towards me

Oh how sweet and how fine he will be

Fresh-caught from the maw of the sea!

 

And I'll hook Mr. Fishy Fishy Fish

And I'll net Mr. Fishy Fishy Fish

And I'll clean Mr. Fishy Fishy Fish

His guts'll go squishy-squishy-squish!

 

And I'll pile Mr. Fishy Fishy Fish

All on my dishy-dishy-dish

As much as I wishy-wishy-wish!

He'll be delici-lici-lish!

 

 

Scene Five

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  Odysseus!  What do you see?

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  There's something living in that cave down there.  It looks like a Cyclops!

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  What the hell is that?

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  It's a one-eyed giant.  Very bad-tempered.  Poseidon sired one once.

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  Oh, man, couldn't we have found some place better to land?

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  We were lucky to be so close to this island when that storm blew in.  I hope Poseidon hasn't taken a disliking to us.  Anyway, we'll need a crew if we're to do any real sailing.  Oh gods, he's got a man!  He's dashing his head against a rock!

 

(sounds of distant screams)

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  We've got to do something!

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  Now he's eating the poor bastard.  Looks like one of my countrymen, too!  And there's more trapped in the cave!  I'll kill the fucker!

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  Wait!  I've got a plan!  We may be able to rescue them without violence.  Just follow my lead.

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  Fuck that!  Man, I should have known you were a hippy when I saw that hair and beard.  And let me tell you something else, Jesus: after seven years of Calypso, I've pretty much had it with immortals and their plans.  Now, I'm going down there, and I'm gonna put that bastard's big ugly eye out!

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  But blessed are the peacemakers, my son.  We need to minimize casualties.  We need these guys for our crew.  He who lives by the sword shall die by it!

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  Actually, I was going to use this big bronze spear.

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  But what if that's Poseidon's son?  If Poseidon is angry with us, this won't help!

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  If that is Poseidon's son, it'll serve his ass right for sending that storm in the first place!  I'm gonna go kill him!

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  Just please follow my lead.  I have a plan.

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  We'll see, Jesus.  (loudly)  Hey you big ugly fucker!  Over here!

 

Polyphemus:  Who dares speak to Polyphemus that way?

 

Jesus:  Don't worry about him, he's Nobody.

 

Polyphemus:  (sarcastically)  Oh, looky-look!  It's Mr. Fishy Fish!

 

Odysseus:  Now wait a minute.  What's the big idea saying I'm Nobody?  My name is Ody...

 

Jesus:  (interrupting)  Shut UP!  As I was saying, Polyphemus, this is Nobody, and I am...

 

Polyphemus:  (interrupting)  You are lunch!  And he is dinner!  But first, I nap!  Into the cave with you two!

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  Listen Odysseus, when he falls asleep, we can pin him down by driving some sharpened branches through his clothes into the ground.  When we climb over his body to escape and he awakens and yells for help, the other Cyclops will call to him asking what's wrong, and he'll reply "Nobody has escaped!"  The confusion should buy us enough time to...

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  That's your big plan?

 

Jesus:  (stage whisper)  If we can do this without engaging the monster, we might get out with no casualties.  Then we could...

 

Odysseus:  (stage whisper)  Then we could what?  Slink back to Ithaca with our tails between our legs, to tell my people that I ran from one lousy Cyclops?  No way.  I want his blood so bad I can taste it.  Look: the monster's going to sleep.  Now, stand back, and let a warrior do what a warrior has to do.

 

 

Song:  "Put Your Eye Out"

 

(Odysseus:)

You should never play with a Greek war hero

'Cause I'm just not a proper toy

But you never-ever did listen to your mother

You were such a naughty boy

 

No you never-ever did listen to your mother

When she told you not to play with food

Now I'm not gonna tell ya that I told ya so

'Cause Mama told me I should never be rude

 

But it looks like I put your eye out (neener-neener!)

Just like your mother always warned you about

Yes it looks like I put your eye out (neener-neener!)

But you wouldn't know what I'm talking about

 

'Cause you'll never look at nothing, never again

No you're never gonna see again!

You'll never look at Nobody again, my friend

No you'll never see me again!

 

 

Scene Six

 

Jesus:  I wouldn't taunt him like that.

 

Odysseus:  Why not?  We all made it back to the ship.  Oh my gods, is he picking up the top of that mountain?

 

Jesus:  (shouting to the crew)  Row us out of here, quick! 

 

(giant splash and crash noise)

 

Odysseus:  We're hit!  We can't sail the open sea like this!  (shouting to the crew)  Head for that island over there!  The one with all the flowers!

 

Jesus:  (urgently)  No, have them head for the other one.  I've got a baaaad feeling about those flowers.

 

Odysseus:  Don't be ridiculous, Jesus.  It looks like a nice, relaxing place.  We'll take a few days off, fix up the boat...  it'll be great!

 

 

Song: "Lotus Every Day" (Bailey/Gregory)

 

(Odysseus:)

Once upon a time

Way back in ancient Greece

A noble, kingly warrior

Met the future prince of peace

But before we could start sailing

The crew discovered lotus!

 

The days drag on and on

Here on this lonesome isle

And every crewmate that I meet

Wears an illegal smile

 

Now I was a good boy

I never did inhale

But I wonder if my stoned shipmates

Will ever want to sail

 

They eat lotus every day

Did you notice, every day?

They eat lotus every day

And sit and waste their time away

 

They eat lotus every day

It has slowed us, every day

They eat lotus every day

And sit and waste their time away

 

They get high

They get high

They get high, everyday

Everyday!

They get high

Oh, oh, oh

 

And the night time, too!

 

 

Scene Seven

 

Jesus:  How will we get them to leave?

 

Odysseus:  We'll hit 'em over the head and go.

 

Jesus:  We can't hit them over the head!  I won't take part in such violence.  It's completely unnecessary, and...

 

(thonk noise; music changes)

 

Jesus:  (groggy)  What happened?

 

Odysseus:  Uh, I hit you over the head.  Then I knocked out the crew, one by one, and put you all on the ship.  We headed out to sea a few hours ago, but I couldn't really manage the ship by myself, so I headed for this island.  It's the strangest place.  All of the animals, no matter how carnivorous, act as tame as housepets.  When I landed, I climbed that hill to get a better look at the surroundings.  There was a cottage not to far down the hill with smoke coming from the chimney, and I could swear I heard the most enchanting singing coming on the wind as well.  Let's go check it out!

 

Jesus:  I don't know, Odysseus, something about this doesn't feel right.

 

Odysseus:  (high and mocking)  "I don't know, Odysseus, something about this doesn't feel right."  I already sent a scouting party.

 

Jesus:  And...

 

Odysseus:  And they haven't come back yet.

 

Jesus:  Should we go and rescue them?

 

Odysseus:  Rescue them?  We should get in on the action!

 

Jesus:  Huh?

 

Odysseus:  Right now my men are in there, with a beautiful woman, listening to her sing, probably getting a hot meal, maybe even giving her a hot meal, if you catch my drift, while we stand around here talking about what feels right.  What good is being in charge if everybody else is having all the fun?  I want some of the fun for a change!

 

Jesus:  (urgently)  I'm telling you I smell a trap.

 

Odysseus:  All right Jesus.  Whatever you say.  I'm going in.  We'll catch you later.

 

Hermes:  Your mortal friend there is quite stubborn, Jesus.  You have my sympathy.

 

Jesus:  (startled)  Oh!  Thank you, sir.  And who might you be?

 

Hermes:  My name is Hermes; I'm from the Pantheon.  It looks like you could use a little help.

 

Jesus:   Well, I guess that all depends on what my friend has gotten himself into.

 

Hermes:  Your friend, by now, has gotten himself into a pigsty.  The same pigsty, in fact, that his crew is in.  For this, you see, is the home of Circe, the enchantress.  She's a bit of an animal lover, and so any mortals foolish enough to call on her quite literally become her pets.  Or her livestock.  Today, she's into pigs.  Tomorrow, she could well be into bacon, so you don't have much time.  Eat this herb; it's an antidote to Circe's potion.  When she pulls her wand and fails to transform you, you must rush her with a sword.

 

Jesus:  There's no other way?

 

Hermes:  You won't actually have to hurt her with it.  She'll be frightened enough that her magic didn't work.  Make her swear an oath not to do you any mischief, and you should be able to convince her to free your friends.

 

Jesus:  How will I do that?

 

Hermes:  She's a goddess, Jesus.  A lesser goddess, but a goddess.  A greek goddess, if you get my drift.  Just turn on the charm.  It shouldn't be too difficult.

 

 

Song: "Since Mama Nursed Me"

 

(Circe:)

Yes I am Enchantress Circe

With that sword you do coerce me

To swear I will forbear the mischief

That I've loved since Mama nursed me

 

Men are pigs and I can't change that

But I can reverse my fiat

Come out from the sties you guys

Your human bodies soon will be back

 

Then you must face six-headed Scylla

Shiny things give her a thrill-a

Hyperion, the god of sun

Keeps cattle that you must not kill-a

 

Come love me Jesus, for the evening

Come the morning I'll be bringing

Treasure beyond measure, plus some

Beeswax for the sirens' singing

 

For I am Enchantress Circe

And with that sword you do coerce me

To swear I will forbear the mischief

That I've loved since Mama nursed me!

 

 

Scene Eight

 

Odysseus:  (excitedly)  Did you hear what she said, Jesus?  Sirens!

 

Jesus:  (misinterpreting his excitement)  I'm sure we'll be fine.  We'll just plug our ears with wax like she said...

 

Odysseus:  No, you don't get it.  I have Penelope, the most beautiful woman in all of Ithaca, waiting for my return, I've slept with the most beautiful women all over Greece, and I've even had a nymph as well.  But one thing I've never had is a siren!

 

Jesus:  You are quite sick, do you know that?  They've the got bodies of birds, for one thing.

 

Odysseus:  What, you like 'em fat?

 

Jesus:  No, I'm saying that they're actual birds.

 

Odysseus:  That's what I'm saying.  Birds!  Chicks!  Dames!  All we got on this boat is men.  I mean, I'm Greek and all, but still.

 

Jesus:  I don't think you get it. 

 

Odysseus:  I don't think you get it. 

 

Jesus:  But the sirens are known to eat men!

 

Odysseus:  (patronizingly)  Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Sometimes I think you are as innocent as a little lamb. "Eat" is just an expression.  Why, I bet you've never even had a cute young bird eat you.

 

Jesus:  This is utter madness!  (to the crew) Men!  We shall all be lost unless you help me lash your captain to the mast!

 

Odysseus:  This is mutiny!

 

Jesus:  This is for your own good.  You're endangering yourself, as well as the whole crew!

 

Odysseus:  Let me stay and face the danger!  The spankings and the oral sex!  No!  Untie me this instant!  Gods, what beautiful music!

 

 

Instrumental: "Song of the Sirens"

(very ethereal, pretty, droney, otherworldly music)

 

 

Scene Nine

 

Odysseus:  We've gotta go back!

 

Jesus:  We've got to go forward, and you know it!  Try to have a little dignity.

 

Odysseus:  (bitterly) You fucking gods are all the same.

 

Jesus:  You know, that's just what Calypso said.

 

Odysseus:  Just shut up about Calypso!  She's the last thing I want to talk about.

 

Jesus:  Oh, but a few minutes ago you were bragging about her.  (mockingly)  "I've even had a nymph, now I'm gonna bag me a siren!"  I suppose you'll want relations with the Scylla next.

 

Odysseus:  Believe me, I want nothing to do with the Scylla or Charybdis.

 

Jesus:  Well, you don't appear to have a choice about that.  Circe said the only route was right between 'em.  And I really have no idea what to do about the Charybdis, so we'll have to take our chances with the Scylla. 

 

Odysseus:  Yeah, the Charybdis really sucks.

 

Jesus:  But I do have a plan for dealing with the Scylla.

 

Odysseus:  You and your fucking plans!

 

Jesus:  Well, if you'd at least try just maybe one of my ideas...

 

Odysseus:  I'd be the first treehugging, peacenik war hero in history.

 

Jesus:  You'd have a much easier journey.  Now listen:  remember those big, golden globes given to you by Circe?

 

Odysseus:  Golden globes?  Not for any of the acting on this record.

 

Jesus:  Very funny.  But seriously, I saw them in with the horde of treasure she gave us before sending us away. 

 

Odysseus:  You mean the horde of treasure she gave me.  I told you to stay out of that treasure!

 

Jesus:  Look, Odysseus, remember when she said to wear drab colors, because the Scylla is attracted to shiny objects?

 

Odysseus:  I don't think I like where this is going.

 

Jesus:  We can rig up some dummies by stuffing some of our extra clothing with rags.  The globes can serve as heads.  Remember, the Scylla attacks by grabbing the head.  She should be naturally attracted to a golden globe moreso than even your considerable helmet...

 

Odysseus:  No way!  Do you know what those globes are worth?

 

Jesus:  More than six human lives?

 

Odysseus:  Considerably more!  Why, I could hire a whole new crew with just one of those bad boys!

 

Jesus:  I didn't mean materialistically!

 

Odysseus:  (growing angry) Well you certainly framed the question materialistically!  Do you really want to know what they're worth as human beings, Jesus?  Do you really?  They're fucking warriors, Jesus!  Cold-blooded killers!  They'd order another human being to an even worse death without compunction!

 

Jesus:  Even such as these are not beyond redemption.

 

Odysseus:  (mocking, in a high voice)  "Even such as these are not beyond redemption."  Jesus, Jesus!  You are such a pompous, prissy, moralistic fuck!  Do you even listen to yourself?

 

Jesus:  Well, somebody ought to!  I've spent my entire godhood listening to arrogant mortals like you pay all kinds of lip service to my teachings, while in reality ignoring everything I've said!

 

Odysseus:  Your teachings?  I never asked for any teachings, Jesus!

 

Jesus:  I rescued you from Calypso!  And fine, so you don't technically owe me anything, but I think a pissant mortal who'd still be stuck on an island without a little divine intervention could show a little humility, maybe even a little trust in the god who set him free.  But since you don't trust me, fine.  I'm gonna go tell your crew how you plan to sacrifice six of them in order to keep your precious treasure, and then we'll see how much loyalty you get.  And there's nothing you can to do to...oof!

 

Odysseus:  (to himself) Well, he's gonna be pissed when he comes to, but after having me lashed to the mast I'd say we're even.   (to the crew)  Full speed ahead, men!  We go to fight the Scylla!  And just to prove my own bravery, I'll even face her without my helmet!  Get ready, boys, here she comes!

 

 

Instrumental:  "Attack of the Scylla"

(noisy, disturbing, Zorn-y display of aural violence)

 

 

Scene Ten

 

Jesus:  (groggy) Ughhh....What happened?

 

Odysseus:  Well, I knocked you out.

 

Jesus:  Again?  I wish you'd knock it off.

 

Odysseus:  Sorry.

 

Jesus:  And how did the crew fare against the Scylla?

 

Odysseus:  Great!  Well, except for the six who hurried off to Hades.

 

Jesus:  (sighs) It would've worked, you know.

 

Odysseus:  That's just what I was afraid of.

 

Jesus:  Where are we now?

 

Odysseus:  We're headed for the Island of the Sun.  We're gonna get some of that beef Circe told us about.

 

Jesus:  You never learn, do you?

 

Odysseus:  What?

 

Jesus:  Didn't Circe tell you to leave that beef alone?

 

Odysseus:  Look Jesus, I've got a ship full of hungry warriors here.  They've already proven their willingness to mutiny by lashing me to the mast...

 

Jesus:  Well, only under the influence of divine inspiration.

 

Odysseus:  Great, Jesus.  Just great.  And you think that doesn't embolden them?  I'm trying to maintain some military discipline here...

 

Jesus:  And I'm trying to save your ass, which is obviously a more frustrating job than I could've anticipated when I agreed to do it!  Now, please listen to reason.  Don't slaughter the Sun-god's cattle.  It should be obvious by now that Poseidon's got it in for us; there's no reason to anger Hyperion as well.  I can make all the loaves and fishes you could possibly need.

 

Odysseus:  Okay, fine.  Could you change some more water into wine for us, too?

 

Jesus:  Of course, my friend.  I'm glad to hear you talking sense for a change.  Would you prefer red or white?

 

Odysseus:  Red, please.

 

Jesus:  Very good.

 

Odysseus:  (mirthfully)  It goes better with beef!

 

Jesus:  (sighs with exasperation)  All right, just don't come crying to me.

 

 

Song: "When Poseidon Met Hyperion"

 

(Hyperion:)

Poseidon, oh, Poseidon-o

I just came to let you know

The party with which you do battle

Has just killed my sacred cattle

 

Yes, Poseidon, yes it's true

And I just don't know what to do

I feel I've aged ten eons over

I'm so enraged that I could nova!

 

(Poseidon:)

Hyperion, hyperion

Let me tell you my theory on

Just the way we ought to handle

Disrespectful dirty vandals

 

They want battle?  Bring the war!

A greater storm than e'er before

To dash their tiny ship to pieces

And fill their togas full of feces!

 

(Poseidon and Hyperion:)

Now Poseidon's met Hyperion

And Jesus' trouble's just begun

You know we've got him on the run

Here off the island of the sun!

 

 

Scene Eleven

 

Odysseus:  You know, there's nothing quite like a belly full of beef to make a man feel like a man again.

 

Jesus:  You're an idiot.  You're an idiot for slaughtering those cattle, and you're a bigger idiot for setting sail with the sky looking the way it does.

 

Odysseus:  Don't be a wuss.  We're not that far from Phaeacia.

 

Jesus:  I don't know, Odysseus, that storm's moving in rather fast.

 

Odysseus:  Hmmm... you're right.  And I'm afraid only a god could move a storm in that fast.

 

Jesus:  You just had to eat the beef, though, didn't you?

 

Ino:  Yoo hoo, boys, over here!

 

Odysseus:  Who the hell is that?

 

Ino:  (playfully)  Look in the water, dummy!  Off your starboard side!

 

Odysseus:  Ah!  And what goddess is this I have the pleasure of greeting?

 

Ino:  You have the pleasure of greeting Ino Leukothee.  Now, what's a goddess gotta do to get invited aboard a ship around here?

 

Odysseus:  By all means, Goddess, step aboard.  My, what slim ankles you have!

 

Jesus:  (mockingly)  Slim ankles?

 

Odysseus:  What?

 

Ino:  I have to admit, that was one of the stranger compliments I've ever received, but I'll take it in the spirit that it was intended.

 

Odysseus:  That's very gracious of you, Goddess.

 

Ino:  Poseidon's been kind of a prick to you, I hear.

 

Odysseus:  Well, he hasn't made our passage easy.

 

Ino:  He's in love with his own power.   I think he confuses his trident with his dick sometimes.  Unfortunately, there's no way to outrun this storm, and its violence is such that your ship is sure to be destroyed.  Now, this is what you have to do:  Take this veil, and tie it around your waist.  As long as you wear it, you and your crew are under my protection.  All of you must swim for Phaeacia.  When you arrive, untie the veil, throw it in the sea and don't look back.

 

Odysseus:  Thank you, Goddess, you are too kind!

 

Ino:  Farewell, Odysseus, and good luck!

 

Jesus:  Okay, I'll round up the men so you can issue the order.

 

Odysseus:  What order?  I haven't decided to issue any orders yet.

 

Jesus:  But what about jumping ship?  Swimming for Phaeacia?

 

Odysseus:  Excuse me Jesus, but just who is captain of this ship?

 

Jesus:  There's not gonna be a ship in about two minutes!  Look at that storm come in!

 

Odysseus:  I don't buy it.

 

Jesus:  What!?

 

Odysseus:  I don't buy it.  I think the ship can take it.

 

Jesus:  Well, I give up.  You not only won't listen to me, you won't listen to anybody.  No matter how stupid your plans are, you'll never see it until you're lying in the bed you've made.  You get appointed your own god to help you get home.  Not an angel, not a fairy, not a spirit guide, but a full-fledged, one hundred percent enlightened deity to practically hold your hand the whole way, and then another deity pops out of the water and gives you a FUCKING MAGIC FUCKING VEIL to help your stubborn, ungrateful ass out, and you still insist on having your way.  Fine.  Fucking fine.

 

Odysseus:  (somewhat petulantly)  But I'm the captain, Jesus.  I do get to make the final decision.

 

Jesus:  Yeah, well you see that tidal wave, asshole?  You've got about ten seconds to make your final decision as to whether you want it down your throat, or whether you'd rather turn around and take it as a big, salty enema!

 

Odysseus:  Oh fuck.

 

(giant crashing, splashing sound)

 

Odysseus:  (coughing and sputtering)  My ship!  It's totally destroyed!  Where are my crew?

 

Jesus:  (coughing and sputtering)  They're all drowned!  Now tie that veil on, and swim for the Phaeacian coast!

 

 

Song: "Ino Leukothee"

 

(Jesus:)

Oh goddess Ino Leukothee

Won't you come and look and see

What has become of the

Hero of the Odyssey

 

The husband of Penelope

Gallivanting out at sea

Why does she waste her time

On someone stupid such as he?

 

'Bout as blind as he could be

But I cannot help pity

The fool that's found his comrades floating

Face down in the wine-dark sea

 

But he won't take advice from me

No more than he would from thee

So come and see the fool you fawn on

Goddess Ino Leukothee!

 

 

Scene Twelve

 

Arete:  Young man, please arise from your knees and be seated in comfort, for you have suffered much.  Your story has moved me a great deal.  You may be assured of all the aid the Phaeacians can give you.

 

Odysseus:  Thank you, Queen Arete.  You are very kind.

 

Alcinous:  There is one thing I still don't understand.

 

Odysseus:  What is that, my good King Alcinous?

 

Alcinous:  You say that, due to a mishap at sea, your entire crew was lost and you ended up the prisoner of Calypso first, and then all this other stuff happened?

 

Odysseus:  That is correct, my lord.

 

Alcinous:  But according to the Homeric Prophecy, you were supposed to be trapped by Calypso at the end, after your adventures with the Scylla and the angering of Hyperion.

 

Odysseus:  The Homeric Prophecy?

 

Arete:  You know, the Odyssey?  The book your parents named you after?  It's a very famous prophecy.  But it's, um, a little different.

 

Jesus:  That's probably my fault.  I had to do some time-traveling in order to get into this story in the first place, and I think I may have jumbled up the space-time continuum a bit.

 

Arete:  And who are you, anyway?  I thought Pallas Athena was supposed to get Odysseus home.  Don't tell me we've got another example of the sacred feminine being supplanted by a patriarchal...

 

Alcinous:  (interrupting) That's very interesting, dear.  The important thing is: you gentlemen have come to the right king. 

 

Arete:  And queen.

 

Alcinous:  (sighing heavily)  Yes dear, and queen.  (issuing an order to his court) Have a ship fitted out with fifty-two of my best men!  Odysseus, you're going back to Ithaca!

 

 

Song:  "Going Back To Ithaca"

 

(Odysseus:)  We wrote a brand new myth-ica

(Jesus:)  It was anything but typica'

(Odysseus:)  And now to be specific-a, why I feel terrific-a

(Jesus and Odysseus:)  We're going back to Ithaca!

 

(Odysseus:)  When we sailed the Scylla's lair

I think I soiled my underwear

(Jesus:)  The sirens gave me quite a scare, I thought I'd almost lost you there

(Odysseus:)  Looks like you saved my derriere!

 

(Jesus:)  (spoken)  That's right kids, Jesus saves!

 

(Odysseus:)  And now our story's almost done

(Jesus:)  Ah, but mine is just begun!

The century of twenty-one awaits the rebirth of the son

(Odysseus:)  Will the sinners hide and run?

 

(Jesus:)  You still don't listen, do you, O?

But I can't really blame you though

So no hard feelings when I go, you know I'll always miss you so

(Jesus and Odysseus:)  Full speed ahead and on we row!

 

(Odysseus:)  Because we wrote a brand new myth-ica

(Jesus:)  And it was anything but typica'

(Odysseus:)  And now to be specific-a, why I feel terrific-a

(Jesus and Odysseus:)  We're going back to Ithaca

We're going back to Ithaca

We're going back to Ithaca

We're going back to Ithaca!

 

 

Scene Thirteen: "The Third Coming"

 

Zeus:  Well, not exactly a banner performance, Jesus.  I mean, his whole crew dead and everything.  The guy didn't listen to you once.  Still, you got him home safe, so I guess you're in.  Welcome to the pantheon!

 

Jesus:  No, thank you.

 

Zeus:  Pardon me?

 

Jesus:  I mean, I've decided not to join your pantheon.  I've decided to go back to Heaven and prepare for the Second Coming.  Although I guess now it's technically the Third Coming.

 

Zeus:  Are you serious?  It seems to me that Odysseus was even worse a disciple than Judas.  Why would you want to get back into the saviour business?

 

Jesus:  Well, I learned something down there.  Most humans, it seems, are greedy, selfish, foolish creatures who are nowhere near ready to hear my message.  I mean, even Circe can't teach a pig to sing.

 

Zeus:  So you're going to go back to throwing your pearls to swine?

 

Jesus:  No, but I understand now that it's not the millions who are misinterpreting me that I'm doing it for.

 

Zeus:  Well, then, for who?  Your own godlike ego?

 

Jesus:  What I understand now is that humans will sin with or without me.  It's not my fault that they've gone astray, and it's not even the fault of the church that has so distorted my words.  It's just the way most of them are, lifetime after lifetime.  And while I still love and care about those people, they're not really the point.  You simply cannot enlighten a mortal before he or she is ready.  In time, they all come into the perfection of deity.  In the meantime... well, the point is not the millions who aren't ready, it's the handful that are.  If I can help them, they can help others.  And eventually...

 

God the Father:  It seems you have learned a lot from this adventure.

 

Jesus:  Father?  But I thought you were Zeus!

 

God the Father:  Of course, my son!  We are just aspects of each other, as you are an aspect of me.

 

Jesus:  And the mortals, they are just aspects of us?

 

God the Father:  Every last stupid, ignorant, prideful one of them.

 

Jesus:  Well, God bless 'em, all the same!

 

God the Father:  And I do, each and every one.